Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. (1934-2015), was a visionary psychologist, mediator, and the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a transformative process for resolving conflict and fostering connection. His work has been applied in war-torn regions, prisons, schools, and corporations, demonstrating a universal path to more compassionate and effective human relationships.

The Core of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

At the heart of Rosenberg's work is a simple yet powerful four-step process designed to foster empathy and understanding.

  1. "Nonviolent Communication is the integration of four things: consciousness, language, communication, and means of influence." It is a comprehensive approach to how we think, speak, and interact with others.
  2. "The four components of NVC are: observations, feelings, needs, and requests." This framework is the foundation for clear and compassionate expression.
  3. "NVC is a language of compassion that allows us to connect with ourselves and others in a way that promotes understanding and peaceful resolution of conflicts."
  4. "At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled." NVC teaches us to look beyond the anger to the unmet need driving it.
  5. "What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart." This quote encapsulates the ultimate goal of NVC.
  6. NVC is founded on the belief that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and only resort to violence or behavior that harms others when they don’t recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.
  7. The intention behind NVC is to create a quality of connection that allows everyone's needs to be met through compassionate giving.
  8. "The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy."
  9. NVC helps us connect with what is alive in ourselves and others.
  10. "All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain comes from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished."

On Empathy and Connection

Rosenberg viewed empathy as the cornerstone of meaningful human connection and conflict resolution.

  1. "Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing."
  2. "In empathy, you don't speak at all. You speak with the eyes. You speak with the body."
  3. "The most important use of NVC is in developing self-compassion." Empathy must begin with how we treat ourselves.
  4. "Don't just do something, be there." This highlights the power of presence over the rush to offer advice or solutions.
  5. "Empathy lies in our ability to be present."
  6. "When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion."
  7. "Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way and move forward."
  8. "Never confuse ‘I understand’ with empathy. True empathy requires you to be present with the other person's feelings."
  9. "Connection is a profound human need. NVC is a tool to create that connection."
  10. "Intellectual understanding blocks empathy."

The Language of Violence vs. The Language of Life

A significant part of Rosenberg's teaching involves unlearning the patterns of "violent" communication that are ingrained in our culture.

  1. "Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs." When we blame or criticize, we are tragically expressing a need.
  2. "Moralistic judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs." Labels like "good," "bad," "right," and "wrong" obscure what is truly happening within us and others.
  3. "Making demands is a common form of communication that can lead to conflict." NVC distinguishes between requests and demands.
  4. "Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values."
  5. "Our culture has taught us to think in terms of what is ‘wrong’ with others rather than what we need."
  6. "Don't hear what people are thinking about you. Hear what they are needing." This is a radical shift in perspective that defuses conflict.
  7. "Comparisons are a form of judgment and a block to compassion."
  8. "Denial of responsibility is a key component of violent communication (e.g., 'I had to...' or 'Company policy says...')."
  9. "Violent communication stems from a consciousness that is based on a paradigm of domination and submission."
  10. "Words are windows, or they're walls. They sentence us, or set us free."

Feelings and Needs: The Heart of the Matter

Rosenberg emphasized the universal nature of human needs and the importance of connecting with our feelings.

  1. "Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need."
  2. "When we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met." People are often more willing to help when they understand what we truly need.
  3. "Feelings are messengers of our needs. They tell us whether our needs are being met or not."
  4. "Distinguishing between what we feel and what we think we are is crucial. 'I feel inadequate' is a thought; 'I feel disappointed' is a feeling."
  5. "All human beings share the same needs." This is the foundation for universal empathy. Needs for safety, connection, autonomy, and meaning are shared by everyone.
  6. "It’s when we get stuck in our strategies for meeting needs that conflict arises, not from the needs themselves."
  7. "Connecting with our own needs allows us to be more compassionate with ourselves and others."
  8. "A crucial part of NVC is expressing our needs without sounding demanding or critical."
  9. "Behind every action, however violent or destructive, is a need."
  10. "We are never angry because of what others say or do. It is our thinking that makes us angry."

Making Requests That Foster Connection

The final step of the NVC process is to make a clear, positive, and concrete request.

  1. "A request is different from a demand. A request is an invitation for the other person to help us meet our needs."
  2. "With a request, we are open to hearing 'no.' With a demand, we are not." A "no" to a request is an opportunity for further dialogue about competing needs.
  3. "Requests should be phrased in positive action language. State what you do want, not what you don't want."
  4. "The clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it."
  5. "A request that is not connected to the speaker’s feelings and needs may come across as a demand."
  6. "After expressing a vulnerable feeling, it can be particularly difficult for others to hear a request as anything but a demand." Be mindful of your tone and intention.
  7. "The purpose of a request is to create a connection, not to get compliance."
  8. "Make requests that are specific and doable." Vague requests lead to confusion and frustration.
  9. "Before making a request, check in with yourself to ensure you are not trying to change or control the other person."
  10. "One of the most life-enriching requests we can make is to ask for empathy when we are in pain."

The primary source for Marshall Rosenberg's teachings is his book:

  • "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition" by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. (PuddleDancer Press, 2015). Many of the quotes above are found within this book. You can find it on Amazon or through the CNVC store.

For further learning and to connect with the NVC community, these are the best resources:

  • The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC): The official organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg. The website offers a wealth of resources, including articles, training schedules, and a directory of certified trainers. https://www.cnvc.org/
  • PuddleDancer Press: The main publisher of NVC-related books and materials. https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/
  • NVC Academy: An online platform that offers courses and resources from many certified NVC trainers. https://nvca.com/
  • YouTube: There are many videos of Marshall Rosenberg's workshops and lectures available, providing a direct experience of his teaching style. Searching for "Marshall Rosenberg NVC" will yield numerous