Lessons from Michael Bungay Stanier

Michael Bungay Stanier, a leading figure in the world of coaching and leadership, has revolutionized how we approach conversations with his emphasis on curiosity and the power of questions. His work, particularly in bestselling books like "The Coaching Habit" and "The Advice Trap," provides a practical roadmap for leaders and individuals to empower others by taming their inner "Advice Monster."

On the Power of Questions and Curiosity

"Tell less and ask more. Your advice is not as good as you think it is." [1] - A succinct summary of his core philosophy, this haiku from "The Coaching Habit" encourages humility and curiosity over the impulse to give advice.
"Stay curious a little bit longer. Rush to action and advice a little more slowly." [2][3] - This is a central tenet of Stanier's work, urging a pause before jumping to conclusions or solutions.
"Without a good question, a good answer has no place to go." [4] - This quote, attributed to Clayton Christensen in Stanier's work, highlights the foundational role of questions in unlocking meaningful answers.
"Questions are open doors that invite us in; answers are closed rooms." [4]
"A helpful checkpoint: is this question something that's helping me or helping the other party?" [5] - A crucial self-reflection point to ensure your questions are genuinely for the other person's benefit.
"Stop offering advice with a question mark attached. That doesn't count as asking a question." [6]
"If you know what question to ask, get to the point and ask it." [4][7]
"Curiosity is an absolute game-changer...an underutilized superpower that a lot of leaders undervalue." [8]

The Seven Essential Questions from "The Coaching Habit"

Stanier's "The Coaching Habit" is built around seven powerful questions designed to make coaching a daily, informal practice.

"What's on your mind?" [8][9] - This opening question is broad enough to invite sharing on what truly matters to the other person.
"And what else?" (The AWE Question) [10][11] - Considered the best coaching question in the world by Stanier, it encourages deeper thinking and prevents jumping on the first issue raised.
"What's the real challenge here for you?" [10][11] - This question helps to move beyond the surface-level problem and focus on the individual's specific struggle.
"What do you want?" [8][10] - A direct question that pushes for clarity about the desired outcome.
"How can I help?" (The Lazy Question) [7] - By asking this, you resist the urge to assume what the other person needs and force them to make a clear request. An alternative is, "What do you want from me?". [7]
"If you're saying 'yes' to this, what are you saying 'no' to?" (The Strategic Question) - This question forces a consideration of priorities and trade-offs.
"What was most useful or valuable here for you?" (The Learning Question) [6][7] - This final question encourages reflection and solidifies learning from the conversation. [1][6]

Taming the "Advice Monster"

A significant part of Stanier's teachings revolves around identifying and managing the "Advice Monster," the internal drive to dispense solutions.

"Your Advice Monster is the part of you that wants to tell, save, or control the situation." [11][12]
"Our advice is not nearly as good as we think it is." [11] - A humbling reminder that our solutions may not be the right fit for others.
"When you're offering up advice, you're often solving the wrong problem." [11]
"Giving advice can have four negative consequences: it demotivates the advice-receivers, it's often the wrong advice, it limits organizational change, and it's exhausting for you." [11][13]
"To make the transition away from the Advice Monster, you need to know what you are leaving behind and what you are stepping into." [12]

On Leadership and Management

"Your job as a manager and a leader is to help create the space for people to have those learning moments." [1][6]
"You want your people to feel that working with you is a place of reward, not risk." [1][14]
"Coaching should be a daily, informal act, not an occasional, formal 'It's Coaching Time!' event." [7]
"When you build a coaching habit, you can more easily break out of three vicious circles that plague our workplaces: creating overdependence, getting overwhelmed and becoming disconnected." [1][6]
"The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do." [1]
"Being busy is a form of laziness – lazy thinking and indiscriminate action." [6]
"You have to help people do more of the work that has impact and meaning." [1][14]
"A more coach-like leadership style...can lead to a more engaged team and greater levels of company-wide innovation." [15]
"We're not turning you into a coach, we just want you to be more coach-like." [3]

On Learning and Personal Growth

"People don't really learn when you tell them something. They don't even really learn when they do something. They start learning, start creating new neural pathways, only when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what just happened." [1][14]
"But a Yes is nothing without the No that gives it boundaries and form." [6]
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." [14]
"Inspiration is when your past suddenly makes sense." [9]
"What old stories or dated ambitions do you need to update? What beliefs about yourself do you need to let go of?" [7]
"Call them forward to learn, improve and grow, rather than to just get something sorted out." [4]

On the Nature of Work and Success

"Great work has more impact and greater meaning." [7]
"The very nature of doing more Great Work means there will be times when you stumble, times you lose the path, times when you're hacking through the jungle." [14][16]
"Coaching for performance is about addressing and fixing a specific problem or challenge...Coaching for development is about turning the focus from the issue to the person dealing with the issue." [1][14]
"Building a coaching habit will help you regain focus so you and your team can do the work that has real impact." [4]
"The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead." [6] - A vivid metaphor for unproductive busyness.

On Communication and Relationships

"Silence is often a measure of success." [6][17] When you ask a truly powerful question, people need time to think.
"Generous silence provides space for the other person to be with their own self, for you to be with them, for presence to show up." [6]
"Five times a second, at an unconscious level, your brain is scanning the environment around you and asking itself: Is it safe here? Or is it dangerous?" [1][14] This highlights the importance of creating psychological safety in conversations.
"When your brain feels safe, it can operate at its most sophisticated level." [7]
"Coaching is no longer an event. It's a way of being with each other." [7]
"Humility isn't about abasement but rather becoming more aware of yourself." [13]
"How do you build the best possible working relationship with somebody in your working life?" [18] - A question Stanier explores in his later work, emphasizing the importance of intentional relationship building.
"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." [13] - A quote from Naguib Mahfouz that Stanier uses to frame "The Advice Trap."
"Your ability to sell to anybody...is what's their problem and what's your medicine." [18]
"Your job is to worry about your side of the table." [19] - A reminder to focus on your own actions and contributions in any interaction.

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