Lessons from Eric Barker

Eric Barker, the creator of the popular blog "Barking Up the Wrong Tree" and bestselling author, has spent years delving into the science behind what truly leads to success and a fulfilling life. By challenging conventional wisdom and backing his assertions with research, Barker provides counterintuitive and practical advice.

On Success and Being Different

The path to exceptional achievement is rarely a straight or conventional one. Barker encourages embracing your unique qualities and understanding that what works for the masses might not work for you.

"We spend too much time trying to be 'good' when good is often merely average. To be great we must be different." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [1] This foundational concept from his work encourages readers to stop conforming and start leveraging their individuality.
"The same traits that make people a nightmare to deal with can also make them the people who change the world." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [1] Barker highlights that qualities often seen as negative, like obsessiveness or disagreeableness, can be powerful assets in the right context.
"Following the rules doesn’t create success; it just eliminates extremes – both good and bad." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [2] Excelling often means knowing when to bend or break the rules that govern mediocrity.
Peak academic success does not typically predict real-world success. Valedictorians are excellent at following rules, but the real world often lacks a clear rulebook. [2]
Dare to be eccentric. In a world that often rewards conformity, standing out with a unique personality or approach can be a significant advantage. [3]
"You can do anything once you stop trying to do everything." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [4] This quote underscores the immense power of focus and prioritization in achieving significant goals.
"The only place where success comes before work is a dictionary." A classic aphorism often cited by Barker, emphasizing that effort is non-negotiable. [1][5]
Pick the right pond. Your environment is crucial. Surround yourself with people who embody the traits you wish to cultivate, as you are more likely to become like them. [3]
Your intensifiers are your so-called flaws. Qualities that might be considered negative in one context can become your greatest strengths in another. Identify these traits and find the environment where they are assets. [6]
"When you choose your pond wisely, you can best leverage your type, your signature strengths, and your context to create tremendous value." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [2]

On Relationships and Connection

Barker's work, particularly in Plays Well with Others, dismantles common myths about relationships, offering a scientific look at what truly builds strong bonds.

"The only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people." A recurring theme in Barker's writing, supported by numerous studies on happiness and longevity. [2]
"Empathy is when the line between you and another blurs. Closeness is when your vision of your 'self' makes room for someone else to be in there too. And a true friend is 'another self.'" From Plays Well with Others. [7]
Loneliness isn't about being alone; it's a subjective feeling about the quality of your relationships. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if you lack deep, meaningful connections. [8][9]
We are terrible at reading people. Studies show we can accurately read a stranger's thoughts only about 20% of the time, and this only increases to 35% with our spouses. [10] The key is to make others more readable by creating an environment of comfort and trust.
"Friendship may be defined by mutual aid, but it's not transactional. We don't keep score with friends." From Plays Well with Others. [7] True friendships are based on a desire for the other person's well-being, not a tally of favors.
Vulnerability is critical for connection. Sharing things that could make you look bad shows trust and is how people get to know the real you. [8]
Don't network; make friends. Approaching relationship-building with the simple goal of making a new friend is more effective and genuine than transactional networking. [11]
The secret to making love last is excitement. After the initial phase of a relationship, satisfaction can drop. Introducing new, exciting activities can help rekindle the spark. [8]
Belonging is a fundamental human need. We are wired for connection, and finding a community or tribe is essential for our mental health and sense of purpose. [5]
"We cannot stop the waves, but we can learn to surf." From Plays Well with Others. [7] This metaphor applies to the inevitable ups and downs of relationships; we can't avoid challenges, but we can learn to navigate them.

On Mindset, Happiness, and Self-Improvement

Barker consistently emphasizes that our internal narratives and daily habits have a profound impact on our well-being and resilience.

"Showing gratitude for the good things you have is the most powerful happiness boosting activity there is." A simple yet powerful practice that Barker frequently advocates. [3]
"A healthy mind tells itself flattering lies." While pessimists may be more realistic, optimists are generally happier and more resilient. A degree of positive self-delusion can be beneficial. [2]
"What's shocking is that when asked to make predictions, depressed people are more accurate than optimists. It's called 'depressive realism.'" From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [5][12] This highlights the trade-off between accuracy and the motivation that optimism provides.
"We crave ease, but stimulation is what really makes us happy." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [13] True satisfaction comes from engagement and challenge, not a life devoid of effort.
"Mentoring a young person is four times more predictive of happiness than your health or how much money you make." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [5][13] Contributing to the growth of others is a powerful source of fulfillment.
Believing in yourself is good; forgiving yourself is better. Self-compassion allows you to acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them without being crippled by self-criticism. [8]
"Confidence makes it very hard for us to learn and improve. When we think we know all the answers, we stop looking for them." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [1] A healthy dose of humility is essential for growth.
Internal narratives have a tremendous impact on individual capabilities. The stories we tell ourselves about our lives and our potential can either limit us or empower us to persevere. [14]
"We need a bit of fantasy to keep us going." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [12][13] Pure realism can be demotivating; a compelling story about your future can fuel your journey through difficult times.
Define success on your own terms. Barker suggests focusing on four key areas to feel successful: achievement, legacy, significance (your impact on others), and happiness. [6]

On Productivity and Decision-Making

Doing more isn't always the answer. Barker's advice often centers on working smarter, focusing your energy, and making deliberate choices.

Warren Buffett's wisdom: "The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything." Frequently quoted by Barker to illustrate the importance of focus. [2][13]
"Energy, not time, is the fundamental currency of high performance." A quote from Tony Schwartz that Barker uses to emphasize the importance of managing your energy levels. [2]
"We love having choices. We hate making choices. Having choices means having possibilities. Making choices means losing possibilities." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [1][13] This paradox explains why an abundance of options can lead to paralysis and regret.
"Most of us use our calendars all wrong: we don't schedule work; we schedule interruptions." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [2] Be proactive about blocking out time for deep work.
The first step is crucial—keep it tiny. When building a new habit, make the initial hurdle as low as possible to ensure consistency. [3]
"So keep trying new things. It makes you luckier." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [13] Luck often comes from creating more opportunities for serendipity to strike.
Don't be the first to defect. In interactions, start with cooperation. This "tit-for-tat" strategy is often the most effective in the long run. [13]
Work hard, but make sure it gets noticed. It's not enough to do great work; you have to be assertive in making your contributions visible. [3]
"We got to the moon and built the pyramids without email and Facebook." A reminder that many of the "urgent" demands of modern life are not as essential as they seem. [12][13]
"As Henry David Thoreau said, 'The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.'" A quote Barker uses to prompt reflection on how we spend our most valuable resource: our time. [1]

On Learning and Expertise

Becoming an expert is a deliberate process that involves more than just innate talent.

Introverts are more likely to become experts in their fields. Their ability to focus for long periods allows for the deep practice required for mastery. [2]
Overconfidence is the enemy of learning. When you believe you have all the answers, you stop seeking new information and improving your skills. [13]
"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." Barker uses this to encourage experimentation and stepping outside of your comfort zone. [13]
"Cognitive biases prevent us from understanding cognitive biases." The ultimate irony; we must be aware that our own minds can work against our ability to think rationally. [13]
The secret to lie detection is making the other person think hard. Lying requires significant mental effort. Asking open-ended questions that require detailed answers can make it harder for someone to maintain a fabrication. [8]
Pay attention to what people say and how they say it. This is often more revealing than trying to decipher body language, which can be misleading. [15]
"Stories are the invisible undercurrent that promotes success in a shocking number of the most important areas of life." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [2] We are wired to understand the world through narratives.
"To be great we must be different. And that doesn't come from trying to follow society's vision of what is best, because society doesn't always know what it needs." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [1] True innovation comes from a unique perspective.
"Research shows that you don't actually need to know more to be seen as a leader. Merely by speaking first and speaking often...people come to be seen as El Jefe." From Barking Up the Wrong Tree. [13] This highlights the difference between perceived leadership and actual expertise.
"Today is victory over yourself of yesterday; tomorrow is your victory over lesser men." A samurai maxim Barker quotes to emphasize the importance of continuous self-improvement. [15]

For a deeper dive into these concepts, you can explore Eric Barker's blog, Barking Up The Wrong Tree, and his bestselling books, Barking Up the Wrong Tree and Plays Well with Others.

Learn more:

Lessons from Eric Barker

On Success and Being Different

On Relationships and Connection

On Mindset, Happiness, and Self-Improvement

On Productivity and Decision-Making

On Learning and Expertise

Written by Antoine Buteau

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