Lessons from Ichiro Kishimi

Ichiro Kishimi, a Japanese philosopher and psychologist, has profoundly impacted modern perspectives on happiness and freedom through his work on Adlerian psychology, most notably in the international bestseller "The Courage to Be Disliked," co-authored with Fumitake Koga. His teachings challenge conventional wisdom, urging individuals to break free from the shackles of past traumas, the expectations of others, and the self-imposed limitations that cause unhappiness.

On Freedom and Courage

The cornerstone of Kishimi's philosophy is the idea that with courage, we can choose our own path to happiness.

"Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn't that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy." [1][2]
"The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness." [1][2]
"Unless one is unconcerned by other people's judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one's own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free." [1][2]
"It's that you are disliked by someone. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles." [1][2]
"Freedom is being disliked by other people." [3]
"We do not lack ability. We just lack courage." [4]
"Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage." [5][6]
"When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing." [4]
Learning: True freedom requires the courage to be disliked and to live according to your own principles, without seeking everyone's approval. [3][7]
Learning: Unhappiness is not a result of a lack of ability or a difficult past, but a lack of courage to choose happiness. [1][6]

On Self-Determination and Responsibility

Kishimi emphasizes that we are the authors of our own lives, not victims of our circumstances.

"No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes." [1][8]
"We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining." [1][2]
"Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live." [1][8]
"No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on." [1][2]
"You are the only one who can change yourself." [1][4]
"The first step to change is knowing." [8]
Learning: Your past does not define your present or future. It is the meaning you assign to your experiences that shapes your life. [3][8]
Learning: You have the power to choose your lifestyle and your path to happiness at any moment. [9][10]

On Interpersonal Relationships

According to Kishimi, all our problems are, at their root, interpersonal relationship problems.

"Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others." [2][4]
"A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one's sole concern is with the 'I'." [1][2]
"All problems are interpersonal relationship problems." [11][12]
"Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them." [1][2]
"If there are 10 people, one will be someone who criticizes you no matter what you do. This person will come to dislike you, and you'll not learn to like him either." [3]
Learning: To have true happiness, we must change our relationships with others by focusing on creating horizontal relationships where everyone is equal. [9]
Learning: Trying to get approval from society and others will only leave you frustrated. [9]

On Inferiority and Superiority

Kishimi reframes the concept of inferiority as a catalyst for growth, not a source of suffering.

"A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one's comparison with one's ideal self." [1][2]
"If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn't feel the need to boast. It's because one's feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts." [1][2]
"Those who go as far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves." [3]
"When one is conscious of competition and victory and defeat, it's inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise." [3][11]
Learning: Life is not a competition. When you stop comparing yourself to others, you free yourself from the cycle of feeling inferior or superior. [3][11]

On the Nature of Happiness

Happiness, in Kishimi's view, is a simple and attainable state of being.

"Happiness is the feeling of contribution." [5][11]
"For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself." [3]
"If one really has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer have any need for recognition from others." [3]
Learning: True happiness comes from a sense of contribution to others and the community, not from receiving praise or recognition. [3][13]

On Living in the Here and Now

Kishimi encourages a focus on the present moment as the only reality we can influence.

"That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life." [1][2]
"One might also think of it as movement in which the process itself is treated as the outcome. Dance is like that, and so is a journey." [4]
Learning: Focus on the process of living, like dancing in the moment, rather than being fixated on a future destination. [4][11]

On Subjectivity and Choice

Our perception of the world is our own creation.

"We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world." [1][2]
"None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to." [1][4]
"The world you see is different from the one I see, and it's impossible to share your world with anyone else." [1][4]
Learning: You have the power to change your interpretation of events and, therefore, your experience of the world. [1][4]

On Key Practices for a Better Life

Kishimi offers concrete steps towards achieving a more fulfilling existence.

"Three things are needed at this point: 'self-acceptance,' 'confidence in others,' and 'contribution to others.'" [1][4]
"You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else." [4][8]
"Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative, but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: you should start." [4]
"Anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed." [8]
Learning: The Separation of Tasks. Discerning between what is your responsibility and what belongs to others reduces unnecessary stress and helps you live more freely. [3][13]
Learning: Practice Self-Acceptance. Accept yourself as you are, without judgment, as a foundation for growth. [1][4]
Learning: Have Confidence in Others. Trusting others unconditionally is essential for building healthy interpersonal relationships. [1][4]
Learning: The Essence of Work. The true value of work lies in its contribution to the common good. [11]
Learning: Authenticity over Approval. Embracing the courage to be disliked liberates you from the need for external validation, allowing you to live authentically. [7][14]

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